They told me you’re not worth the risk that you’re superficial and too broken to be fixed. I’m very much aware of that fact.
But I know what you’re doing.
You do this to yourself because beneath all that, you have an insatiable need for love and acceptance. You resorted to this self-destructive habit of showing yourself off to the world, hoping that someone would still be able to see beyond the superficiality; a defense mechanism you’ve built to escape from the pains of your everyday life.
But what you don’t realize is that what you really wanted was someone not to fall for the trap.
I’ll be honest. I’ve fallen for the trap several times already, but I managed to escape before you even noticed. But with every escape comes with a price. The wounds I’ve gained from each escape turned into non-erasable scars that, for some reason, even though they have seemingly healed, when I gain a new wound, all of the past scars I had burst open into new wounds, the pain, unbearable. You’re not aware that you’re both hurting yourself and me in the process. But I guess that’s my fault. I’m too afraid to yell out in pain and try to tolerate everything you inflicted at me. I guess only a masochist could ever love a sadist.
Sexuality sometimes can be considered an escape, a barrier to block out things that have been haunting your mind for quite some time. It’s effective, and yet very destructive, because it’s addictive and detrimental to one’s self-worth. When you do that to yourself, at first, it seems natural, like everything’s okay. But afterwards, you’ll go back to hating yourself even more than you previously did.
You’re not confident of yourself. You’re insecure.
You’re doing this to temporarily fill up the gaps that have been punched out by a series of unfortunate events in your life. You let other people rob you of what’s left of your dignity, hoping that they would give you something in return, even if it’s only a temporary measure.
But then, there might be someone who seems to be resistant to the traps you’ve laid out in front of yourself, and yet he’s covered with battle scars. For some reason, you don’t see the scars clearly enough, and yet just looking at him makes you scared. Why? You think he could be the one strong enough to resist the pain you inflict on everyone else?
Would I be enough to fill up all the gaps?
There are only two choices all humans have to choose from: to give up or to make an effort. Now, these two choices stand before me; all I have to do now is choose. One leads to the end of it all and another leads to an unknown destination. Should I just give up, turn around and go back to where I came from or should I still keep chasing pavements?
But how does one give up? Is it by deciding to give up and following through with it? Or is it by taking steps away from your true feelings? I wonder if even this pain will all disappear and be forgotten. All of it with nothing left behind. Almost like there was nothing there from the beginning. Right now I’m definitely lost. Even if I want to hide it, the part of me that’s lost…is still me. All I can do for now is to concentrate on what’s directly in front of me.
So I come to a resolution.
I’m going to keep holding on. I’m going to withstand the pain, hoping that you’d finally wake up and realize this one day, until I finally have to courage to stand up, be a man about it, and make you realize that you needn’t do that to yourself anymore, that I’m just here, loving you and accepting everything you are, everything you’re not, and everything you’re going to be despite of it all.
Now, if I finally told you what I felt, would that change your mind?
If I couldn’t…
Then no one can.